takings risks and mindfulness

it has long been a mystery to me how some people seemed to rise above drama and chaos. for me, i operated within a family whose fuel was chaos; it was easier for me to get psyched up for something if i were heading into a storm. it's weird, and no doubt some kind of miracle, that i cannot operate that way today. i seemed to have developed an even-keeled approach to problems and issues.

that is not to say i am devoid of problems. i just avoid chaotic and dramatic interpretations of life. it is much easier now to figure something out when i realize feelings for what they are, and how they relate to situations. sometimes you just have to sit with feelings. it's uncomfortable. but being comfortable in your own skin affords you more luxury to sit with some heavy things. currently most of my feelings have bubbled up as fear as i begin the second chapter of my degree. i will take my preliminary exams in april, and the prospect scares me. intellectually, i know i will be okay. pyschologically i could get carried away with fear and doubt, and i believe at least one of those is a hindrance to meditation practice.

i get by, so when my confident mentioned last week that i had not been taking as many risks, i really had to think about that. i am one for risk taking. i tend to take a path that few might take, and i have been told this is very much a strength. but i shouldn't confuse that with reckless behavior, which i am also known for. for as long as i can remember, i have tended toward danger. typically, and many of my high school friends can attest to this, i didn't drive carefully at all. i remember driving through residential neighborhoods backwards at 60 mph. the night before i moved to columbia, missouri, a friend of mine and i were driving through the parking lot of an industrial park. we were traveling at about 65-70 mph when we drove off a six-foot drop. before we realized what had even happened, i had turned the car around to do it again.

as a young professional, i tended to make my professional environment unbearable sometimes by adopting the same reckless abandon. i'm not sure why i felt it was the appropriate approach, but i replayed the role time and time again. now when i find i'm having issues with students, i make students write their problems out before i meet with them. this technique requires students to take the time to think through the issue and what solution would be best. it was definitely something i wish i knew when i was their age. instead, i wore the "rebel" label, thinking that plowing through would work. but i always knew there was a different approach.

i remember walking around the campus at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. chiseled in stone is a time-honored quote by Abraham Lincoln: "Let us hope that right makes might..." i have found a solution, and typically that it means i approach life with rigorous honesty.

i have some theories about why i stopped taking risks. and what my confident meant was that i stopped sharing with people, building relationships, progressing. imagine this. it was easier for me to drive a car of a huge drop at 65 mph than it was to build relationships. it was indeed a delightful discovery, if you want to know the truth. it is delightful because i realize in many ways what i have given up for the past 20 years. i realize that there is much more to life than what just one person can provide. we need each other, and unraveling these mysteries is exciting and frightening.

that's why meditating is so important to me. when i get bound up or confused, i need a clear mind so the decision becomes clear. i had a huge break through with my meditation, which will seem self evident. i attend the Won Buddhist Temple in Glenside. the sangha has been great in explaining buddhism and meditation. won buddhism began in korea, and its focus is on material civilization. as we progress technologically, materially, we grow further apart from our original nature. it took me awhile to understand but one dharma of this sangha is that sitting meditation causes fire energy to descend, and water energy to ascend. we talk about fire energy because the mind is constantly doing something, thinking, thinking, thinking. the damn thing is like the enegizer bunny.

as we grow in meditation practice, the water energy begins to ascend. the mind becomes calm. i have heard that one could picture this mastery over the "ego" as one could view trying to tame a bull. the bull begins by resisting, stomping, grunting. it is nearly impossible to hold on. but after the bull is tamed, meditation provides the bull with a limitless field in which to lie down. sitting meditation isn't the only type of meditation. but usually our meditation service on saturday is time to practice sitting meditation, focusing on the breath.

when i first began sitting - prior to sobriety - i didn't understand much. and after sobriety, one would think the mind would clear up. but 20 years of numbing the mind is like shaking a closed soda bottle for that long. when you remove the cap, well, everything comes out. so my mind was racing. it has begun to calm down, and i can sit for 25 - 30 minutes at a time. so what was this breakthrough? as i'm breathing in and out, we are told to be mindful of your surroundings. when i began meditating, i erroneously thought you had to shut everything out. but mindfulness is not about that. it's about uniting the body and the mind in the present moment, with a clear mind.

it's difficult to be absolutely mindful. for the past few months, if i heard a bird outside, i would think to myself, "it's bird." being mindful has been through the use of words; it has been with thought. it occurred to me on saturday for the first time since i began my pratice that i have been thinking my mindfulness. i think when it has happened, the world is filtered through my mind. if i am making observations by using words, clearly my mind is not still. that is not to say this is a good or bad thing. i do not want to judge my practice. but it blows my mind that something so small can be so profound. this seems like one small step toward enlightenment.

one final thing. i found myself tongue-tied the other day. i attended the teaching and learning center faculty conference, and the breakout session that i attended posed difficulty for me. one of the facilitators asked us to write one thing that we would like for everyone in the world. i wrote that i wished everyone to discover their true (original) nature. a few of the participants wrote they wanted a world without fear, positive body image, security. it seemed to me that these were tied to emotions. long story short. he asked if we would trade liberty for security. if we knew we would never fear again, would we trade that for liberty? i said, no. i found myself tongue tied. but my answer would be that fear, like any thought, has its own life. it is transient. why would i trade freedom for a passing emotion?

anyway, i'm looking foward to class this semester, and i'll be happy to finish. what a wonderful experience! as for liberty and security, I defer for Ben Franklin: "Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." Sphere: Related Content

whew!

wow! i let the ball drop on both blogs! time flies when you are having fun!

it's a new year, and i am happy with most of last year. i'm a little unnerved with myself, though. one of my primary weaknesses has been financial. i'm just not as good as i wish to be. it could be worse. there are a number of people who have been laid off. i'm not in that place, and i'm happy about that.

i began last year not really knowing what to expect. being sober the first six months seemed easy enough. but after a while, you begin to realize feelings and ideas that you tried to hide or forgot existed. it made dealing with stressful situations more difficult.

i really hadn't set foot in a church in a while. i had spent a number of years banging my head against a proverbial wall. there's a reason why faith means the world to people. you have to sometimes just give the load away, or it will crush you. and i had difficulty with that. the load was mine, and i didn't trust in anything else. i just couldn't get out of my own way. after the cloud began to dissapate, i found my way to glenside, pa. a friend mentioned that she meditated at the won buddhist temple, and she invited me to go.

after years of reading books about buddhism, practicing with the sangha has clarified a great deal. i difficulty meditating twice a day, but i try. it eases a great deal of tension. and it has helped me understand how to let things go. some emotions are easier than other. some emotions are like dogs chasing their tails through my head. and i only perpetuate the cycle by feeding the fire. i have become stronger with understanding that thinking and rethinking only leads down an impossible road.

so looking back over the past year, i think i accomplished something spiritually. i actually took time new year's day to think about my resolutions. among the many resolutions, i hope to deepen my meditation practice and volunteer more. i also hope to make strides in my career. i have submitted three papers, and i hope for favorable results.

i also hope to begin dating soon. i have managed to make it through another year without dating. it was suggested when i became sober that dating might create more chaos than necessary. plus, you can't give what you don't have. if i have trouble taking care of myself, it might be difficult to care for a significant other. plus, i don't find the prospects promising.

a confident has suggested moving to mt. airy, but i really don't have the financial resources to make the move. i would rather devote the money to something else, truth be known. however, i have made a couple of fact finding excursions to the area. it's a nice area of philadelphia. i'll write more once i know more.

overall i look forward to a productive semester. i have asked my friend from south philly to help me with a youtube project. i was captivated with my ethnography class in the fall, so i have given her one question to answer: what is it like to be italian-american in philadelphia? she is supposed to come up with five things around philly that help explain her life in philly. i hope once i upload the video it brings attention to her photographs, which are great. i also hope others reciprocate by uploading videos about their own cities, towns or countries. i have my fingers crossed, and hope to blog more soon. Sphere: Related Content