finding refuge in home

so today i was able to meet the new reverands who have been rotated into the glenside temple. i was sad when i heard the reverand with whom i felt a strong connection was leaving. but i guess the situation provided experience and understanding about detachment. it is probably a wise thing to rotate ministers, especially in the united states where we tend to attach to everything.

the new minister and i did not have a chance to speak directly. i had some errands to do, and i have a great deal of reading. she was busy chatting with other members of the sangha, and i felt like i would be able to speak with her another time. but i thoroughly enjoyed her dharma talk today.

she rotated into the glenside temple from houston, texas. i am excited to get her impressions on texas. so often transplants in texas have interesting reactions to their environments, including the people. one friend of mine told me that texans believe they reside in a whole other country. they are typically a strong-willed, obstinate bunch. i think that's why i have an affinity for them. so she lived in texas, before trading places with my first meditation teacher, rev. sa. i do hope rev. sa has a safe journey to her new home.

which was oddly enough the topic of the first dharma talk. the reverand openly admitted she was nervous, even though many of the sangha members remember her from the won institute. sometimes old things seem like new things when we are placed in front of strangers. anyway, she talked about hurricane ike. as ministers, they leave the comfort of their home to build anew. entering into priesthood provides a new home. she said as the storm approached, she thought it safest to remain at the temple. she was afraid, but considered the temple her "home" - a place where she could find refuge. it was only then she realized her home was not made of walls, did not have the won symbol, the circle, was not something that could be destroyed by winds.

her home, her true home, was her buddha nature. she discovered to overcome her fear, to find safety from the storm, she needed to turn inward to find refuge. i thought of times when i had watched the news or read newspaper articles about unfortunate oklahomans who had lost their homes or loved ones to tornado. or those in missouri who had lost their homes to the raging waters of the missouri river as the levies broke. some just shake their heads, cry, and talk about losing everything. there are those, though, who typically feel relief. they might have lost their homes, but they are alive. and as such, they feel gratitude. these curious creatures understand that what is lost materially can simply be rebuilt. they feel no attachment to material objects, and simply understand one simple axiom. everything will be okay. typically where i come from, those who understand this place their faith in a power greater than themselves.

if i understand, the new reverand understands that feelings of fear are like the material of the temple, like trees, birds, and even whining cats. they change. they have a life. they eventually pass away. her refuge, though, was something that is eternal. rather than placing faith in her mind, she placed her faith in no mind.

i thought a lot about what she said. this week has been difficult for many reasons. i have a great deal to read for my comps; i haven't heard back from the newspapers at which i hope to continue an ethnography; i am worried about passing my exams, of speaking at MIT in April, of finding summer employment. i am angry because i feel slighted and looked over as other phd students receive classes to teach. my feelings of fear, jealousy, worry, etc. all have lives of their own. they come into existence, and then they pass away.

this week in feeling these feelings - rather than remaining mindful and letting them pass away - i played in them. Entertaining them with different endings, giving them power as i allowed them to play and replay. what i should have done was recognize their existence and let them pass, awaiting a time when i could sit quietly and understand them. it was a difficult week because my ego had a field day, and i made it more difficult than it needed to be. next time, i will remain both present and mindful, knowing i have a much greater shelter from these transient, emotional storms. Sphere: Related Content