Yes, I defer to Ellen

It's been a long week, for many reasons. I'm battling with Travelocity and my credit card, which I will blog about later. I have an extended network of people that I am now involved with. I just had tons of crap to do. And I try not to get stressed about stuff. I will get through my to-do list; it just takes one thing at a time, one moment at a time.

One of the biggest questions of the past couple of weeks has been, "do I come out to people? And when I do, how do I do that?" It's not necessarily a black-white issue, though apparently some feel confident in speaking for the rest of us; for many, it takes time and consideration. And I'm trying to figure out where it fits in my life, and how I fit into it. There is a larger community to consider, and I believe I set an example for the community through my behavior. One person who has little or no contact with the community might very well base his or her impressions on my behavior.

While this isn't dire, it does need to be addressed. My program of recovery requires my absolute honesty. But it also requires "restraint of pen and tongue". There are times when I should speak, and there are times when I just need to keep my thoughts to myself. The question of coming out also became the topic of a conversation with a group of people with whom I meet regularly.

We all agreed to a certain degree that some people should know; all others just really don't need to know. And I feel that most people can tell about me anyway. I'm not sure if it's just a vibe, the clothes that I wear, or what. But most people can tell. And some people have the audacity to say something. No matter whether people can tell or not, there is a moment in time when it simply needs to be said. So in trying to explain the situation to one of my straight friends, I deferred to Ellen's interpretive dance.

When Ellen chose to come out, I felt ambivalent. On the one hand, "You go girl!" On the other, "Do I have to be out, too?" The question filled me with dread. I grew up in Oklahoma, which is predominantly Southern Baptist. My family's not been completely supportive - though my siblings have been great. That question haunted me, and now I'm in the process of rethinking everything, including my queer identity and how to reveal it to the lesser observant people in the world.

If you don't know what it's like to come out, then I suggest not to assume that you know. It's not the same as being straight. Dating is not the same. Sexual scripts are not the same. And if you really care about your glbt friends, you will try to understand that. So my inquisitive friend is asking all of these questions about coming out, and god love her, she says, "I can't pretend to understand." And that's what I needed to hear.

Thankfully, while I try to collect my thoughts about my narrative, especially with respect to coming out, Ellen's dance is helpful. She summed up for an entire group of people what we might not have been able to articulate. So for my friend who struggles to understand my pain, here is Ellen's perspective.





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