You just have to own it

I'm never sure how to take compliments about my achievements. I have simply never taken compliments well, and I certainly don't pay much mind to my academic pursuit now. It seems like a fairly self-contained bubble that is separate from the other aspects of my life. And all too often, that bubble grows, to force all other aspects of my life into hibernation.

So when others say things like, "Wow, you have more education than anyone I know", or, "That must be so exciting", I hate to admit that I act dismissive. I don't think I behave this way because I am better; the explanation of my behavior is far from that. I believe, after some thought, that I have never owned my intelligence. I can cite several reasons for this: parents, schools, heteronormativity, masogeny. I cannot, however, hold on to those reasons forever. Once I have shed these reasons, the issue becomes how do I own my intelligence, and once owned, how is it shaped?

Self knowledge is indeed a hard road to hoe. Lao Tzu once wrote, "He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty." To make any progress at all, honesty is the key. It also requires a certain amount of humility. I am not perfect; I make mistakes. Understanding the whys and hows of those mistakes is much more difficult, I think, than actually admitting the mistakes. It is only through this understanding that we can avoid making these same mistakes again.

I once thought I had the answers to everything. Now, I realize life is a continual learning experience. Life is change. Understanding that I am intelligent seems trite to the idea of employing that intelligence, which remains a difficult task for me. I tell my students that writing is process, and this process can only be executed well if you understand your strengths and weaknesses as a scholar. Over the past two years, I have learned an enormous amount about myself. While I thought I had worked out the bugs in my writing/research/editing process, I learned I had only just begun the process when I began my PhD. The gloves were off: We were now beginning to actually create ways of exploring, describing, measuring, and testing knowledge. This requires a number of things, one of which is knowing how to frame good research questions. But questions mean nothing without the ways and means to explore the phenomena in question.

I find myself growing impatient and frustrated at times, overcome with the feeling of lagging behind or tired. The reality is that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing. Owning my intelligence means knowing when to let go, to unplug, and when to hit the gas. I might feel as if I'm never going to be where I need to be, I haven't felt as if I am heading in the wrong direction. As many of my students would say, "It is what it is."



Sphere: Related Content